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Before I pull this trigger, Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me, made things harder at best
Being accepted into the Disney CareerStart program was a dream come true. I honestly did not think I would get in, let alone be going with my best friend as well. I'm so excited, you cannot even begin to imagine. Ahh, oh how life is finally turning around for me in that aspect.
Karma is a vicious woman, because she gets you for what you do. Not for one second did I ever think that the pain she bestowed upon me was unjust. I was a horrible person, mean and crass. It was only fitting that Karma take away my loves, my sanity, and my ability to love another. Not as if any of that matters now, only in the fact that I have learned so much from the gifts Karma has given me.
Not all is perfect, of course. The one I love, I have only mentioned him once for fear of bad thoughts at the uttering of his name, he has come back to me. Not as though I deserve him back, but he has come. At first I thought this was a dream come true, until I realized that the way we were would never be again. Leaving him as I did, I set off a chain of actions that would scar my heart and his mind forever.
He is not free to love me anymore. His heart, captured by a girl that he cannot have for fear of her loosing her child. His heart, unreachable. Of course the first news of never being able to have the man I love on the same level as I hurt me terribly. Never being able to grow old with him and have his children was like a rusted butter knife cutting its way threw my chest and leaving vicious infection behind to slowly poison my body and kill me.
This is all part of Karma's little duty to punish the wicked. If I had not left him back then, if I had not been so mean to him, and had listened to him, none of this would have happened. But at the same time, neither of us would have grown so much. We would be the same silly teenagers with no thought of any pain ever.
I've done the first grown-up thing in my life and have told him how I feel, and what exactly I think. Without dancing around the true subject, and how bad the pain really is, he knows now my deepest emotions. Sure this was a scary thing, but at least I don't have to hold in all that pain and emotion, at least he knows.
All I can do now is wait, take things at a regular pace. I can show him my love and hope he comes to love me again. I am more confident in my ability to accomplish this task than I usually am, but it's all I can do. If it doesn't work out, I'll have to loose my love once again, and this time forever.
Stalemate and we’ve just wasted time.
And in saying you loved me, made things harder at best
Being accepted into the Disney CareerStart program was a dream come true. I honestly did not think I would get in, let alone be going with my best friend as well. I'm so excited, you cannot even begin to imagine. Ahh, oh how life is finally turning around for me in that aspect.
Karma is a vicious woman, because she gets you for what you do. Not for one second did I ever think that the pain she bestowed upon me was unjust. I was a horrible person, mean and crass. It was only fitting that Karma take away my loves, my sanity, and my ability to love another. Not as if any of that matters now, only in the fact that I have learned so much from the gifts Karma has given me.
Not all is perfect, of course. The one I love, I have only mentioned him once for fear of bad thoughts at the uttering of his name, he has come back to me. Not as though I deserve him back, but he has come. At first I thought this was a dream come true, until I realized that the way we were would never be again. Leaving him as I did, I set off a chain of actions that would scar my heart and his mind forever.
He is not free to love me anymore. His heart, captured by a girl that he cannot have for fear of her loosing her child. His heart, unreachable. Of course the first news of never being able to have the man I love on the same level as I hurt me terribly. Never being able to grow old with him and have his children was like a rusted butter knife cutting its way threw my chest and leaving vicious infection behind to slowly poison my body and kill me.
This is all part of Karma's little duty to punish the wicked. If I had not left him back then, if I had not been so mean to him, and had listened to him, none of this would have happened. But at the same time, neither of us would have grown so much. We would be the same silly teenagers with no thought of any pain ever.
I've done the first grown-up thing in my life and have told him how I feel, and what exactly I think. Without dancing around the true subject, and how bad the pain really is, he knows now my deepest emotions. Sure this was a scary thing, but at least I don't have to hold in all that pain and emotion, at least he knows.
All I can do now is wait, take things at a regular pace. I can show him my love and hope he comes to love me again. I am more confident in my ability to accomplish this task than I usually am, but it's all I can do. If it doesn't work out, I'll have to loose my love once again, and this time forever.
Stalemate and we’ve just wasted time.
Current Music: Phone Home - Lil Wayne
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